Sunday, October 30, 2005

Deception Nation

After making sure that my Breast Awareness article was the centerpiece of October, I have many topics to share so lets get going.

One of my good friends called me yesterday. He is been having a heck of time with a little situation that happened to him last week. His experience with me tells him I am very fair and can always look at different sides of a coin; so he asked me for my thoughts. And I think that I might be able to get him some points of view here. Here is the scenario.

He has been really good friends with a female co-worker for about 8 years. It started as an affair. The physical part lasted less than a year. She is still married. But they had managed to grow a very good friendship. They've share a lot of thoughts, a lot of moments; like anyone would with a very good friend. Of course, they could not get together and go for drinks. Must of their friendship was at work. However, both traveled often so it was not a everyday personal interaction, more like every week; and then of course occasional emails and phone calls. He candidly will tell you that if she were not married he would love to have her as his wife. Her, well, we don't know what her complete feelings are.

Recently she went thru some hardship. My friend knowing that he couldnt be there everytime to help her, gave her one of his best friend and co-worker's cell. A married man, whose wife happens to be a real good friend also. From that moment to here we are talking probably less than 3 months. And when you calculate that this people did not see each other each day, the 3 months seem years apart.

Well, my friend tells me that he was talking to her while she was away in business and that another phone call came in. It must have been past 1100pm etd. After all these years that stroke him as odd. Upon calling back my friend casually asked her who had called and the woman said it was her sister. My friend tells me her sister does not call twice in a night nor does she calls that late. He did not want to press; it was not his place. He figured that by now she was completely candid with him. Why suspect otherwise? He tells me that if he thought there was another man in the picture, why would she be closer to him now more than ever? He felt complete trust and confidence. One that had been hard to build.

By coincidence he finds out it was his colleague that had called. This supposedly made him feel very disappointed; he had been lied to, and what in the world was his confidant doing calling the women he knew this guy loved, had an affair with, and still is very emotional friends with? Two days later, and while researching some work, he noticed his male colleague had taken a plane to where this woman was. His wife was out of town for the day, so he went and spent three hours with this other lady. My friend tells me that he spent 2 sleepless night. Upon asking why, he responded that he felt betrayed. That he had been talking to these two persons about the other (not negatively) but at one instance he asked the male friend if he knew how the female friend was doing (becuase of that hardship) as she seemed very sad, and not communicatively at all about her emotions. The male friend supposedly responded by saying that he did not talk much to her. Come to find out, he had in other occasions spoken to her on the phone. Even gone on a two day business trip with her, while keeping it hush. This trip might have started whatever it was that ended up with that plane ride.

When my friend called each one and confronted them, they allegedly plainly and blatanly denied it. He tells me he asked them point blank what did you do yesterday and when was the last time you talk to the other; they both said different things. Upon further confrontation both grew silent and did not open up right away. they ended up the conversation in defensive mode. My friend says she said "what if I tell you he came up here for lunch?".

Well, let me interject in here and offer 'my point of view', and ask, why would lunch cause such a national secret? If they were all friends, what was wrong with some honesty. From either one? Sure they are both married and they have more to lose, but was this secret lunch and call worth hurting their friendship? Or worst yet, losing their friend? Was it lunch or was an planned encounter? Or was it lunch and ended up with extra curricular activity? Was the man taking advantage of a vulnerable person? Specially knowing this person had strayed before? Was there respect from anyone of them? Was my friend right to feel the way he felt? And therefore, was he right to question?

She sent him an "email" two days after the questioning to say that she had been thinking and that they should not be friends anymore. He showed me an email, 4-lines long. I personally would not send that to a 8 year friend. However, he also show me an email, from the day after the encounter when the female was telling my friend that too bad the next project had been cancelled because she was looking forward to help him out. This would have taken place the day of the phone confrontations. So how does she goes from hidding a secret, to a sweet too bad its cancelled, to a dont want to be friends anymore?

I am told that later on she told my friend that he was too intense. This intensity was unhealthy for him and she was concerned. Well, if she was, why doing what she did? That is what caused his emotional state. She also stated their friendship was too complicated and it could be just easier not to be friends. That she intended on saying this earlier. But wait, was she now creating another complicated relationship? My friend claimed that their 'mutual' friend had broken them up. She denied it. But then, how come she uses these reasons now, out of the blue? As my friends puts it, 'its funny because at one given moment he told her that if her husband was ever to question her about him, just to give up his phone number right away, and say this is a very close friend, here is the number call him and ask'. The reported response was that she 'would not put him thru that'. But, isn't she putting him through a worst situation?

So, being a man myself, the victim of this circumstances before and not being able to step in the shoes of a woman, here I am putting it out there for women to offer their honest views. Honest, because in this enviroment most people are 'undercover' and it easier for them to relate experiences they wouldn't otherwise. Is this a case of cheating twice? Once a cheater always a cheater? Is it better to destroy the emotional attachment and get a new physical one? SAFER? Was "the lunch" just un-intentional and good minded? Will you get on a one hour plane when your wife is out of town just to have lunch? Why would she keep things away from him? Did they talked about deliberately keeping it quiet ? What are the possibilities? And finally, what should I tell my friend to do? I wish I was Mel Gibson in 'What Woman Want', but Im not, and trying to figure out women is hard to do ( I try) but right now, I do not have the possible answers.


Blogger light said...

I think this woman is guilty of what all women are guilty of...wanting to be desired, loved and appreciated. We dont know the ENTIRE full story so you really dont know why things were on the rocks with her husband or why your friend wasnt successful.

the only thing I can conclude is that as a woman she wants attention and she'll go to whoever gives her the best. Im sorry for your friend though, there are soo many good women out there are men.

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Run Run Run ! that is the advice I would give him, SHE'S MARRIED!, I know some people think it is alright to have friends of the opposite sex when you are married, I do agree there are times such as you have a friend that is the opposite sex long before you meet your spouse, but I don't think married people should go actively looking for "best friends" of the opposite sex. The person I feel sorry for is her husband. This woman obviously has no problem getting men to feel sorry for her. I know your friend is emotionally involved but tell him to see it as an experience and to know not to get involved with married women, they are not looking to be emotionally attached, they just want someone to make them feel like they felt when they first met there husband, so he was old news and she had to move on to someone who would give her that old feeling again. You cannot be upset with someone for ending a friendship (that actually started as an affair) that never should have been.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Anonymous, I so agree. Stay away from intimate relationships of any kind with married people of the opposite sex. Your friend had an inappropriate relationship with this woman, and then he encouraged his married male friend to have an inappropriate relationship with her as well.

9:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although the inital affair was not a good thing, it seems your friend had given her a chance to redeem herself. Instead she ruined two friendships without any care, over what? And worst yet, once again she made a fool out of her husband.

10:31 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

Great comments.. Feed me some more info.. what causes women to act like this? If we are all humans and commit mistakes, if my friend really loves her and is her friend.. should he forgive? Could he be an emotional threat? Does he have any right to ask questions or know what happened? Is the other guy likely to re-appear? Or would she like him to?

12:33 AM  
Blogger Knattyb said...

Wow, this is being really over-complicated.

She said she didn't want to be firends anymore. Thats sucks, but thats it. All you can do is respect her wishes. If she feels in a week or so that she's made a mistake, she'll have to deal with that herself.

Secondly. I'm very much of the oppinion that marriage shouldn't have to change who you are. Be friends with whomever you want. just be honest with yourself as to what the relationship really is.

thats it. simple.

1:25 PM  
Blogger sasha said...

> > Questions on your blog, and my answers:
Is this a case of cheating twice? Yes
> > Once a cheater always a cheater?
Not sure.
> > Is it better to destroy the emotional attachment and get a new physical one?
I don't know. Sometimes it's advised to try to break the emotional attachment somehow.
> > SAFER?
Definitely not. People always get hurt. Including the new affair's victim.
> > Was "the lunch" just un-intentional and good minded?
I don't think so.
> > Will you get on a one hour plane when your wife is out of town just to have lunch?
No. Sex - yes.
> > Why would she keep things away from him?
She's afraid of hurting him because she cares about him.
> > Did they talked about deliberately keeping it quiet ?
I don't understand what you mean.
> > What are the possibilities? And finally, what should I tell my friend to do?
Get a new fling to get over this emotional attachment. Your new fling might get hurt, but you need to be selfish for a little while. It will be good for you.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Cheri said...

Sorry to say, it's time for your friend to move on. Both parties knew how he felt about her and both lied. How is he going to be able to trust them again? Answer: he won't. She cares about him as a friend (and likes the attention) but it doesn't sound like she has sexual feelings (like he still does). He needs to find a nice, single girl!
Thanks for stopping by my blog--sorry the volanic eruption you expected wasn't what you received! However, there are some other fantasies and stuff on there! Thanks for your advice--it really was enlightning!

7:34 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...


Thanks! Your blog was also enlightening and I intend to visit often. Specially for the song.

And your comments seem dead on.


8:33 PM  
Blogger BJ said...

If she doesn't want him as a friend let alone a lover MOVE ON. I can be pretty thick-headed when it comes to women but that's like a 2 x 4 up side the head.

2:12 AM  
Blogger Huckster said...

Your friend needs to stop fixating on a woman who's (technically) unavailable and move on. Let's not kid ourselves. Something's going on with this woman and your friend's co-worker. Which serves to illustrate a point: If this woman wanted your friend, her marriage would not be an obstacle. (And apprently, it hasn't been an obstacle in the past.)

She doesn't want him that way. He needs to stop fixating on her and let go.

And his co-worker doesn't owe him anything. None of us owns anyone else. If we were talking about your friend's WIFE or even girlfriend, things would be different. That's not the case.

9:35 PM  
Anonymous flynhi said...

this woman is very selfish and insecured. She has broken all these bonds. I hope the screw was worth it. the male cheater is a rat. You dont con someone into sex if they are drunk, underage, or vulnerable. and your friend is either a better man than most I know (as he seems willing to stand by her) or a total idiot.

10:09 PM  

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