Monday, November 14, 2005

Did I lose it?

I am a very good boy most of the time.

There used to be a time when I was bad; and did not care. Now, please do not get turned off by the next comment, but it has a point. Once upon a time, I had a span of 37 months in a row where I was either sucking face, making out, or even having intercourse with at least one different person per month. Look, I am not trying to presume I can enter Guiness pages with this number. But, that was definitely not normal. What kept the streak going, was just the streak itself (ok Cal Ripken Jr might have said the same); a selfish, self-serving, narcicistic motivation. Until a woman walked into my life, and for whatever reason (she did not ask me to) I wanted to respect her (and any other women I knew) even though we were not married.

However, there were times when our situation got me so upset, that I went back to bad. And the older I was, the badder I got. I did not like myself because I was using women, and the minute I was done the best way to get rid of them was just to be a bit mean. Sex in any form, was nothing but an expression of anger from me, and I am sure that is not what those girls signed up for. I was not being nice.

Well, I have been wondering lately if I could return to be a naughty boy. Could it be the same? Life choices narrow as you grow older. Also, as one female blogger wrote to me, it is different between men and women; she has gotten 900 profiles in the net, while I have gotten only 50 in a longer period of time. And out of those 50 only 2 were attractive. Let me quote BJ from Iowa; Why is it that some people seem to have a wide variety of prospective partners and others not nearly as much? Seems like some can meet people others quite frequently, while someone like myself rarely meets anyone I even want to consider approaching. If relationships are really a numbers game that really diminishes my chances at meeting someone compatible.

See, I think MOST good looking women don't feel like they HAVE to post their profiles. Whatever comes to them will come. Even if they are at Starbucks on a Sunday morning at 0800am, wearing their sweatpants, a hat, and some retro Jackie Onassis glasses. Me? I have to work at it. And trust me, the responses are not good as they used to be. And I have been thinking, Did I lose it?

Well, I will tell you what I lost, and U2 has it; the Edge. When you have been respecting and being a decent man to these women, you are not going to get 'disrespected'. At least not as easy as before. Now it takes more time to create that 'naughty thought', and the will to risk a good and decent friendship.

And that is the energy that I do not have any longer. I am too passionate, too sensual...maybe a romantic. A 'One night stand with me', as one ex puts it, "its foreplay for the weeks to come'. I do not have the energy to 'covertly' promise weeks to come. I do not have the energy to be extra nice with this person if I don't want to be extra nice, and specially when I cannot be certain of how nice they can be. But on the same hand, I don't want to disrespect anyone.

So, did I lose it? Only time will tell. But I'll tell you, RIGHT NOW, I am not about hurting anyone for selfish reasons. Not classy. Not my style! Even when I could use some of that nowadays.

"Cranberry Orange Muffin and Venti Verona please!"

PS Happy Birthday Dad and Alex


Blogger Sweetmiss said...

Maybe you're overthinking this whole 'Edge' thing. To say you don't have it anymore pretty much guarantees that you don't.

Besides, the way it sounds to me is that you would feel too guilty to do any of the stuff now that you would do when you were younger. Sometimes it is hard to admit when you grow up.

That doesn't mean the game is over, done, and you don't get to play anymore. Just that the rules have changed.

4:52 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

Thanks Sweet..
..maybe I am..

What I guess I am not so sure anymore is about the "new rules"!!

T :)

1:06 PM  

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