Friday, January 13, 2006


My fellow blogger Cheri send me an email last night wondering how come I have not stopped by her poll regarding "What Do You consider Cheating?". Hummm.. let me see... what is my answer...? Where is the Dictionary...

cheat (cht) v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats v. tr.
To deceive by trickery; swindle: To mislead; fool: To elude; escape To act dishonestly; To violate rules deliberately; To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.

Well, I think I have an idea but I am not sure it will be what this poll is looking for, but allow me to elaborate on it.

The connotation of cheating might be the concept of two adults performing a physical act, where one or more of them is involved in a committed relationship with another person. So then the question becomes, is intercourse cheating or does kissing already constitute cheating? And of course, all of the possibilities in between.

At the beginning of the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" (great title by the way) Nicole Kidman dances with an experienced older man who is conscientiously trying to get into her pants. Her husband has disappeared for a little while, she sees him from the corner of her eye flirting with two girls (what was going on was not what it seem from afar) , she had had a few cocktails, so she enjoys and lets this guy push the envelope a little further until he tells her to go with him upstairs. At that moment she has a little enlightenment, shows her ring and she says, "I can't, I'm married", kisses her finger, slightly touches his lips with the same finger and walks away. Afterwards, the spouses (Kidman and Cruise) are back at their bedroom and he asks 'what did the man want?' and she replied 'what do all men want?; sex'.

Was this cheating? Let me use this example, and the definition above to try to illustrate My Point of View.

A physical encounter between two adults where one or both of the parties involved have a committed relationship with someone else is cheating. See, the (un)spoken rules of 'committed' relationship is about fidelity. Anytime you try to circumvent rules you might be cheating. Specially, if there is an edge or advantage to be have on the part of the cheater. This advantage might be the instant rewards (euphoric feelings) without any of the responsibilities. When a person is out getting physical and emotional satisfaction while the other person sits at home fulfilling their responsibility and adhering to the fidelity value, there is cheating.

But this goes further than that. If a person is drunk or in some other state of euphoria, and starts kissing and making out with someone out of human lust, is he/she cheating the same as the person who plans something in advance, putting themselves in a position to be a cheater, including trickery and deception?

See my point? I believe the physical part is not the only evidence of cheating. The minute you have given your thought to that action and start fantasizing about it, and planning for it, then that is really cheating. Right there is not only about breaking a fidelity rule, we all break rules daily, but the malicious deception might equal the intent that otherwise differentiates between a homicide or a murder. In other words, let say I have a partner who engages in kissing with another man for whatever reason. I will be more likely to feel anger at the malicious deception and dishonesty that might have accompanied the act. Hey, anyone can have an honest weak moment or a human need for... whatever.

In the example above, the character portrayed by Ms Kidman, obviously engages in a fantasy, but never relinquishes her 'part of the deal' either emotionally or physically.

Which brings me to a non physical point; is cybersex cheating? Once again, if one engages in the type of fantasy behavior as this character does, I do not think so. But once the emotional part is shared with another human being, the mind starts planning and looking forward to an encounter. If it starts creating justifications and/or deceptions to get online to hide the situation, and the time you are supposed to be putting in as an adult in your committed relationship is compromised, then, there is cheating. There is a breaking of the rules, malicious intent to deceive, and the edge of gaining a pleasure the other person is not having possibly due to their following of the 'rules'.

If a person is having sex and is thinking about the good looking girl or guy seen at lunch, we can call that fantasizing. When we start to constantly thinking about someone where an emotional state is present, then we are toe-ing the lines of infidelity; which should not only be physical, but also emotional.

So Cheri, with all my ramblings, these are my thoughts on cheating. But let me ask the gallery, can there be cheating in friendships? And then, there is a bigger question; does the real love for another person excuses cheating?

My point of view.


Blogger OORANOS said...

Have a good time

4:49 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I agree with you 100 percent. Cheating can in fact be less about the physical in the long run.
But your cheating is limited to infidility.

What about cheating oneself, or being dishonest in matters of business, personal exchanges, etc?

I too love the name of the movie, EYES WIDE SHUT. Profound title.

11:49 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I agree with you 100 percent. Cheating can in fact be less about the physical in the long run.
But your cheating is limited to infidility.

What about cheating oneself, or being dishonest in matters of business, personal exchanges, etc?

I too love the name of the movie, EYES WIDE SHUT. Profound title.

11:49 AM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

Oh Barbara...
... please dont take me to the dimension of cheating oneself.. from the infidelity point of view... its another 1000 words!!

12:11 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

""Can there be cheating in friendships"".....there can be cheating in EVERYTHING!!!.....

""Does the real love for another person excludes cheating"".....Not sure I understand that question....What is real love??

I think every relationship rather friends or being married has different standards.....You have to...everybody is different....

Breaking the bond of the worst!!!

Have a great day!!!

1:18 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...


In other words.. is there the possibility that once we are married, we find out that we really love someone else? And being love what is all about, would that excuse the 'cheating'.

Now speaking about trust; what breaks it? The physical part, or the deception part? If the cheater voluntarily comes forward and honestly says I had a mistep, there is nothing there to indicate it would happen again, I love you and Im sorry.. is the trust broken? Or should that strenghten the bond?

1:49 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

No it isn't going to excuse cheating......I'm not sure you can excuse it!!!

For me....I would rather be open about everything....If my spouse cheats....I want to know....and say he did and feels sorry about it.....and tells me.....we can work thru WHY he did it....and what's lacking in our relationship to make him cheat....So we can build on that....which will make the relationship stronger....But every situation is different!!!.....Just my thoughts.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Cheri said...

Very insightful T-! You've actually hit it right on the head. I think that it's such an emotional topic that we all change it depending on what the situation is.

Those who responded cheating is just pure penetration makes me think that is their standard for themselves. However, I bet if their wife/husband was sucking face with someone else---their view would change!! Thanks sweetie!

5:56 PM  
Blogger EL A. said...

There's a great episode of Sex And The City about cheating...I think it's called "The Cheating Curve"...and how some people think one form of cheating is worse than another (hence grading it on a "curve")...and how Samantha practices "quantum cheating"...

Whoever thought one would have to understand String Theory and basic math to get a little on the side with some peace of mind.

11:20 AM  

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