Sunday, May 07, 2006

Taking off the Gloves!

THAT IS IT! I'm done! I am taking off the gloves!!

I have been trying to deal with a personal situation in a tactful way; trying to spare pain, confrontation and escalation. But there is no choice! I am shouldering the burden, the pain, and at the end, I am going to be the one to basically lose? No way! Either I take the gloves off or spread the pain. And it is not pretty when I take the gloves off.

Say you have a very close, intimate friend. You share a lot of things (emotions, secrets, fears, etc). You have developed this friendship throughout 7 1/2 years of your mature life. You'd give anything up for this person. You do not count the ways; you do not expect anything in return. You would basically die for this person.

Now, you have another very good friend. You introduce them; you ask one of them to look out for the other one when you are not around. You talk to each one of them about the other. They act like strangers around you, until you find out that they have had their own 'friendship' going on, and were keeping it away from you. You feel like an idiot; a fool. Disrespected. You inquire about this, and they deny it, even though you knew they were together the day before. After the initial denial, no one opens up and gives a satisfactory answer. Everything gets spinned back to you; "you're too intense".. Immediately after the confrontation you get an email saying "Im sorry". Then 2 days go by , another email comes in: "I am sorry to tell you, its better if we are not friends anymore". WHAT???

You naturally ask your friend about this. You are told the friendship needs to cool off. 6 months go by, you try everything to be nice, while at the same time give space; you even call and say "I miss my friend, can we forget about the situation". That is not an easy task, but because this is what the role of a friend calls for, you undertake it without much self doubt. You are there to catch your friends when they fall, and they should be able to do the same.

You call your friend because you heard your friend is sick. You do this in two consecutive days, knowing that if there is no answer at least the caller ID will record your miss call; no call back, no even an email. Mind you, you had send an email over 10 days ago and you have not gotten a response. Is this a cool off or a "puck off"?

So I might have called out my friend out on a situation, which obviously was not of his/her fondness. "Who are you to question me on this?", or "how is this your business?'. I even dared questioned how special was really our friendship, to which I was told "dont insult me with that question". But, here I am; trying to mend, to learn, to understand, to be the friend who sticks thru tick or thin, rather than turning my back and walking away. I told you, I would die for this person.

But, for anyting in life, I cannot live without reason. And without it, I am losing my patience. What kills me is the lack of sensitivity towards the way I feel; independantly of whether I am right or wrong. No approach to see how am I doing; no pipe-smoking offering. So based on that, why not throw this thing out in the open? Take the silk gloves out and put the boxing gloves on. You might ask, why not walk away, just like the email said. But I ask, is that what friends do? One walks out without much care as to why? And the other one just lets it happen? Is it really not my business? Does my friend at least owes me an explanation? The common courtesy to sit down and say 'something'?
One of the things that makes me special is my decisive way of not letting my intimate friends down; why should it be any different now?


Blogger Southern Sweetheart said...

ok.. I'll go first.

1st - A true and real friend wouldn't have done what they did.
2nd - If they hit their head on something and did do the unmentionable, then as your friend, they should talk to you about it.
3rd - if they're willing to walk away from you, then they weren't what you thought they were to begin with.
4th - if they don't care or acknowledge your hurt or pain, then don't allow them to 'win' by letting them know they hurt you.
5th - You're stronger than you think you are, and yes, you deserve an answer and a response, but sometimes you just have to walk away without one. Usually you come out on top in the long run.
6th - I feel your hurt and pain and hope that you find peace with this situation.....

And if all else fails, take off the silk gloves and put on those boxing gloves and duke it out! :)

10:34 PM  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

I cannot add much of anything else to what "southern sweetheart" said so eloquently.
...I think you have already put your best effort out there.
...Do you happen to know 'kick" boxing? A couple of well-placed foot jabs would send a "poignant" message, wouldn't it?
...I hope it works out for you, T.

1:26 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

Tony this is the hardest thing ever....letting go of a friend....We usually don't even know where to looks like she has let you go....6 months is a long time.....but 7 1/2 is even longer......So what do you do??.....You move on by letting go.....or wait......In your heart you know what to do!!!

Cheers to better days!!!

2:15 AM  
Blogger erika said...

Ya Southern said it all for me.

It hurts I know I have been there. I thought a person was a friends and she really wasn't.

11:37 AM  
Blogger Tiffanie said...

I like #3, if they are willing to walk away from you then they weren't your friend to begin with.

Sucks, but it is true.

P.S. I came to you today from the Ed Blog.

12:49 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

Thank you guys...
It has been a long day at work...

First going to Puerto Rico for Mom's anniversary, and then "Mourning for a friend"... but I cannot do anything about my mom, I can still have hope and do something about my friendship!

By the way Lori, excatly where does it say its a she?????

I dont know.. hardly in my life do I ever feel lost for answers... not even when mom's passed away.
I wish I could just close my eyes and wish it or pray it away.. I have tried.. it hasnt happened.

Where is Rodney King.. "why can we all get along?"

T :-(

6:47 PM  
Blogger Eduardo said...

My marriage counselor once told me that you can only hold people the way you hold water -- in an open hand. Squeeze tightly and they run out between your fingers.

10:06 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

No kidding Ed...
... sometimes I wonder whether I should have looked the other way.
Would it have been the right thing to do? The respectable thing?

10:19 PM  
Blogger Cheri said...

I agree with Southern Sweetheart...a true friend would treat you much better.

Give me her address...I'm going to go beat her up for being such an idiot to my friend T-!!!

10:49 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

lol Cheri..

So you and Lori decided it was a woman... ?? alright.. so it is..

At the basis of all this is the foundation.. the essence of friendship.

And You dont need to beat her up!!
SHE IS THE SWEETEST, most caring, sassy, funny, CLASSY WOMAN... she is just choosing NOT to be like that to me... on purpose.. while being herself with everyone else!!
And I dont think I deserve it.. I know I don't .. And I know she can do better.. but she won't. Is the way she is made up.

Funny.. and she chooses to be like that with me, because of the way I am made up!

I might take you later on the beat up part..


12:25 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

T....Come on....this is me here...I KNOW!!!!...LOL

Have a great day!!!

1:40 AM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

...I know.. I know...
I thought I had unconciously inserted another code on this post!!!!!

Oh.. and Cheri... it will get really ugly really quick if I lose my patience and decide to put out everything on the no need for a beating.

9:27 AM  
Blogger kate said...

I liked Eds comment about the water... there is that 'if you love something let it go... if it comes back it was yours if not...' you know the one.

Sticky situation because you KNOW in your head what you NEED to do, but you FEEL in your soul what you WANT to do. I think you know that you cant make her feel what she doesnt. No matter how good of a friend you try to be. She needs time and space. Unfortunately it comes at a time when you are feeling needy (Moms anniversary etc).

I always try to find something positive from the negative thing... ok an example... My brothers untimely death... well he is out of his pain... his life sucked and he made his choice... it wasnt violent and he was in his bed. IDK why but that gives me a sense of closure and peace even though I didnt get an explanation or suicide note. Not nearly the same as your situation, but maybe there is some good in this situation that you can hold onto to help you move past. The knowledge that SHE (I read that loud and clear here had another friend who is supporting her now so she is not alone. The fact that you have other friends to get through this with as well...

I do think it helps to write about your feelings and also it is all a learning experience right!!?!?!

You are a very sensitive person... that also comes out in your blogging. It is a blessing and a curse. You have a big heart T

1:23 PM  
Anonymous bruce said...

your commenters are wise. The most important theme they raise and the most salient truth is that you ultimately have no control over this person's actions. You cannot force them to do differently or to feel differently. You may never get any explanation for their actions.

I will only add one point, which I hope will be helpful. While you can't control the other person and may never enjoy them in your life again, you do control yourself and you must live with yourself. Whatever course you choose, be true to yourself and don't do anything that you'll regret later.

I was in a similar situation a long time ago. I know that the most frustrating thing is the lack of explanation and closure. It was eating me up inside. I wanted so badly to force the person to sit down and talk to me. Of course, that couldn't be and would only have made things worse. In the end, I put my thoughts and feelings in a letter and sent it off. I never got a reply and I never saw the person again but I knew that they knew how I felt and it helped me achieve a little peace over the situation.

Do what you need to do to help yourself get closure. If you communicate with them, be the person that you were when you were friends and leave the door open should they choose to communicate, but don't rest any part of your sanity on the awaited response. Also keep in mind that it's not necessarily about you. Sometimes people don't communicate because of their own feelings of guilt or other baggage they're carrying around.

Based on what I've read and the responses of your regular commenters, you sound like a terrific guy. Be true to that and you'll have peace in the long run.

Hope this wasn't too presumptuous for a first time commment. I guess your entry just struck a chord with me.

P.S. I'm coming to you from The Ed Blog. Thanks for supporting the ACS through our Relay for Life team.

11:59 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

Thank you Kate and Bruce!

Very well argued comments! (First time Im called NEEDY!!.. I am feeling down this weekend)

Throwing this friendship away, is like having a million bucks in your hand and throwing them away; without a reason.

You give your best, and you try to harvest the best relationships possible. To deal with adults and be treated as you were in high school again is dumbfounding.

Bruce, you sort of frame the conflict as it is; the dichotomy of trying to move on with no closure, or stopping from taking my own actions against those 'who tresspass against us', and the fear of that regret.

IN me there is a coach, a teacher, and there is always a need to teach a lesson!

Thanks for stopping by! ACS and Breast Cancer have been my cause for 2 years now. Feel free to check the archives for some related post on those topics.

12:47 AM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

I wonder if posting the name and the pictures, with a couple of other facts wouldnt be too much to regret..!!!

12:50 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

T....this is your whatever gives you some peace within.....If blogging about it about it till you turn blue....we'll be here to listen!!!

Have a great day!!!

5:25 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

200th post party is going on at my place!!!

Have a great day!!!

1:44 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I feel your pain.

We can only be responsible and change ourselves. Others have to be accepted for who they are. That being said, if something were bothering me, I would say so, but in a way that makes YOU the most comfortable.

Good luck!!

10:22 AM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

Thanks Barbara;
That will be, accepting most everyone but Georgie W.. correct?? :-D


1:04 PM  
Blogger TMelendez said...

\I forgot to address Eds comment..

I do believe in that.. however.. and also directly to Kate's comment, as an only child, I DO NOT NEED HER to comeback.

See, she wont comeback. She is that stubborn. She rather have me suffer than for her to admit to her faults and go against her way too guarded self image.

Like in one of her communications, 'she didnt want to give me the satisfaction'... so..if she rather play a game, rather than to give a little respect after all these years, then like Joey Zasa says in the GodFather III, "you dont give me any respect.. then I will take it". (like my profile reaDs.. I love the GodFather movies, and like I wrote in another post, Im a great guy but I can become Micahel Corleone if they push me to).

See, If I wasnt part of this, I would advise her against all that she is doing.. like I tried to advise her for the best on many other occassions. This time is against me, and at the end that wouldnt bode too well for all the parties involved.

4:15 PM  
Blogger butterflygirl said...

I think everyone elses's comments speak for me in some way.

I've been in a situation similar to this. I can relate to how you feel. It is best to just let go.

12:08 PM  

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